Sunday, May 05, 2013

I just don't know

The last little while I have started to scare myself a little bit as I have been slowly falling back into old patterns of behaviour that I had thought I left far behind.  I keep finding myself doing what I can to withdraw from people, although at least point honestly there isn't much as I don't really have any real regular connections to anyone anymore, but even the few people I used to really try to connect with I have found myself pulling back from & doing what I can to distance myself from them.  I've also been finding that I tend to be more grumpy and easily irritated & have been getting less and less enjoyment for the few things I had been enjoying.  The worst part is that I am more and more caring less about all of this happening & I just don't know what I can do to stop it especially since half the time these days I don't really seem to care whether or stop or not.  I don't really want to lose myself to apathy again as it took a lot and awhile to break out of it last time and I honestly don't know that I'd be able to do it again.  And yet I have no idea what I can do to stop myself I have orchestrated my life to point where there are very few people that care about me & even fewer that could actually do anything to help if they knew & wanted to.  I just don't know anymore, this has been repeating in my head for awhile now so I am hoping that somehow getting it down here will somehow let me see or figure out some way to pull myself out of this.

Added after spending some time thinking about things..

You know after thinking about this and noticing different things and my reactions to them, I think what this might actually be is a reaction to having been feel more lonely & cut off from people then I normally have been and so sort of like an alcoholic that has been really feeling bad or down or whatever is more likely to turn to drinking to try to make themselves feel better or at least not feel so bad I think I tend to turn towards isolation & apathy for the same reasons, I don't really have many outlets in order to really connect with people if I am feeling really lonely or upset so I tend to do whatever I can to try and figure it out on my own which is my case tends to be isolation & apathy in the whole idea of "If I convince myself enough that I don't care then I won't feel so bad" Which is definitely not the most healthy or long term solutions but I still just don't know how else to really start handling it another way.

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