Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Being Honest

Once again I haven't written anything here in quite awhile and honestly for awhile this place had completely slipped my mind.  However I have been struggling more with a number of things then I usually do which tends to get me to thinking about what is going on with me and what if anything I can do to change or help myself to better handle things.  It was well I was thinking about really how I think that something hit me in a way I don't think it had ever before.  I have mentioned here a number of times how I struggle alot with depression, issues of self-doubt, worthlessness and loneliness but I always seem to leave it at that which is rather general and unspecific.  I especially tend not to talk about except in the most general way about worthlessness and what I really mean when I say that as I am sure most people feel worthless to one degree or another at some point in their lives.  That however is not what I mean and not how I feel but it is what I say because I guess I felt that saying what I really feel is just not allowed or just isn't really what you admit to.  Most of the time I feel utterly worthless as in I don't think I deserve to be happy or content or successful, I tolerate myself feeling neutral because at least that way I'm less like to do anything about it.  There is a part of me that hopes I stay lonely and miserable forever because that is all I deserve.  I have thought of suicide many times but have never actually acted on it because in some sense I don't deserve to simply have it all over as suicide is often a very selfish thing to do.  I think this may be the bluntest I have ever said any of this because even with depression in general being talked about more openly and honestly then it has in the past I feel that that is fine but if you admit to any of the things I've said before then "you're just being defeatist", or "you're giving up" or "you enjoy being miserable" or "you're just creating a self-fulfilling prophecy when you say that" and it is crossing some line where stigma, which is still there for depression just not as much as it once was, kicks back in full force. There are definitely cases where for some people those statements may be true especially if you stop there and just dwell on them and it's easy to see how they can in turn feed into themselves trapping people in an endless cycle, but I think that if you do indeed feel that way as I do then ignoring it or trying to suppress or pretend you don't you trap yourself a different way which makes it far far more difficult to move on and make real progress.  For me I think it has been manifesting itself in that those suppressed feelings make it so much easier to give up on projects or things I want to do to improve myself (be that exercising, taking courses, finding hobbies, etc) as deep in the back of your head you think what's the point you're not worth anything anyway so what does it matter if you don't take care of yourself or you don't work on improving yourself.  If part of you honestly believes you are worthless then that is going to kill a lot if not all your motivation to improve your mental or physical health.  So I think the trick has to be accepting the fact that you do feel worthless without fully believing that you are indeed worthless just because you feel that way as that way you aren't just giving into the worthlessness but at the same time you aren't denying or suppressing it, how exactly to do that I'm still trying to figure out, a lot of this is just coming to me now which is why I am writing it at 5:30am as I don't want to just lose it entirely.  The one thing I can think of for myself that might help in that regard is that one of the things I have learned through dealing with my own mental/emotional health issues is that sometimes a single word or statement of encouragement or support can stop things from getting worse and if it comes at the right time and/or from the right person/source it can even change things around and start things looking up and more positive.  It's not always going to work that way but it almost always has some kinda of a positive effect.  So I think I am going to really try to focus on that especially when it comes to being online as it is where the vast majority of my social interaction happens and for good or for ill you can decide how you act online in a way you can't always in person so I am going to try to continue to make my online presence as encouraging as I can as you never know what might be all that is needed to change how things are going for someone, it can be so easy to overlook the power of very simple things but often they can be the most significant.  So I think that if I am going to try to build up my own worth then I am going to try and do it through encouragement as it's the only thing I can think of at the moment and at least it is somewhere to start.  I know it is very likely that very few people will ever read this if I just post it to my blog and leave it at that, however in that case it is also very unlikely that this will ever be of any help to anyone but myself so I am also going to share this on my twitter and facebook accounts even those it is long, rambly and the grammar and spelling is probably terrible I have to do something as if I never do anything I'm not comfortable with then things are never going to change. For this I am telling the voice in the back of my head that says "No one cares about what you have to say" or "People are just going to think you are making it up for attention" to shut up and do it anyway.  It may not be much but it is a start and for now I think I need to be happy with that