My Random Views on Life and Other Stuff

Well it has once again taken me longer then I thought to post again, but it hasn't been for lack of thought, I just haven't really been sure what to write about, I mentioned before about perhaps writing about the game and world that I have been creating but I realized that wasn't really a good idea seeing as how erratic my work on that is. So instead of that I think I will just use this as a general sounding board for any ideas or thoughts that I have. I recently have been doing a fair amount of reading in regards to science specifically Quantum Mechanics and Cosmology my interest in this pretty much started with my interest in Artifical Intelligence and has grown from there through various books I have read. I have just finished reading one such Book intitled The Emperor's New Mind by Roger Penrose which was a very interesting book, although certainly not an easy one by any means. The Final part of the book dealt primarily with the concept of consciousness, what is it, what does it do, and while there certainly weren't any definite answers there was alot to think about. The thing that I think struck me the most was the concept of how we think. Whether it be visually, mainly in terms of mental pictures and such, or by sound probably more for those involved in music, or prehaps in terms of actual words. And that it is these different ways of thinking that can lead to the problem of having difficulty putting your thoughts into words or otherwise communicating them. It make me think about how I think, which is something that I don't know that I have ever really thought about, I have usually had trouble expressing my thoughts clearly in words but never really considered why, I wouldn't really say that I think graphically, and certainly not through music as anyone who has heard me sing can atest to, and so I just assumed that I thought using common words, however if that is the case then why should I have so much difficulty in expressing those thoughts if they are already in terms of words, it would make sense then that I could just convey those same words which should convey the essence of the thought as well. Yet I have never really noticed this to be the case, however as I thought more and more about it I came to realize that I don't really know that I do think in terms of words, I am still not exactly sure how to describe exactly how I do think (which isn't surprising considering what I have just been saying) but I will give it a try, the best way I can think of describing it is that I think more in terms of interconnections whether it be between people, ideas, concepts. And so while there is definitely a literatary aspect to my thinking it is the fact that it is more of a mere labelling system whereas the interconnections themselves form the bulk and essesence of my thoughts which would help explain the difficult in being able to precisely express them. That pretty much is the bulk of my thoughts on thoughts for the time being, I will try to post more often but it is going to most likely be quite erratic guided but when and what strikes me to post. Until then

Hey Everyone, that is if anyone ever checks this thing anymore as it has been quite a long while since I have added anything new, probably because I am no longer surrounded by blog talk so it has kinda slipped my mind. So I figured I would add this comment in, I have no idea what I will be using this for now as it's main purpose I think has died out with the lack of communication with those that inspired it so that is the other reason for it's long dormancy however there are a few things it might turn into, perhaps something like Philmonts dedicated to the game story/world that I am and have been creating for quite awhile, but I am not sure. we'll have to see, any suggestions from anyone that actually looks at this are welcome. Till the next time, whenever that might be

Hello All, as I am sure you can tell by the title that this entry is going to be basically my views on friendship. I think friendship is probably one of the strangest things that any of us really have going on in our lives. I say this as I think that in many respects friends and friendships are probably potentially both our greatest strength and/or our greatest weakness as their are few people with the ability to shape and change our lives then our friends. This can come in many forms wether it be as a role-model, encouragement, support or through insults, snide remarks, and an uncaring attitude. It is a strange thing also as the very thing that is the very best about strong and good friendships is the very thing that is the absolute worst about damaging friendships, that thing is that in order for a friendship of any level to occur there has be some form of opening yourself to that other person. Now most people that know me know that for the majority of my life I have been fairly depressed, which is somethig that only recently I am starting to overcome and the more I do the more I see how much of an effect it has had on me. I mention this only as the main thing that contributed to my depression over those years was basically a fear of friendship, a fear of opening myself to anyone. I was to put it bluntly paranoid that no one would ever want to be my friend, and for a long time I honestly believed that I deserve to have anyone as a friend, of course alot of this became instinctive to the degree that I misunderstood and misintrepreted peoples actions making big deals out of nothing. And so then I would try to back off from that person or get angry with them basically driving them off. And so I basically was insuring for myself that I would never really have any friends as I would just drive them off hurting them in the process even as I was hurting myself. However through a variety of different circumstances and the grace of God I began to realize what I was doing and began to attempt change myself and my actions, which is something that is never easy for anyone to do. The two biggest things that allowed me to attempt this and to have gotten to where I am now and continue to try to change and improve myself was first of all my faith in God and looking to him for strength in times of need, but a close second to that was the few friends that I had that were just too stubbornly loyal to me to let me drive them off. Friendships are something that are vital to everyone, no one can go through life alone not and really have a life. For a life alone is really no life at all. Yet we all need to be careful of those who we choose as our friends for as I have mentioned friendships can be one of the most devisating things in someones live. And the more I think about it the more I come to realize is that although there are great risks involved in friendships there are also even greater rewards for there is nothing on earth that can compare to having a true friend. I use the term true friend separatly from the term friend as there are many different levels of friendship, from mere aquaintances to life long inspiring and life changing friendships. However I would say that many many people never have had a true friend in their lives and that sadly most people will never have a true friend either for they are incredibly rare. A true friendship is a complete and total openness and sharing of who you truely are. This is something that takes alot of trust and faith and time to accomplish and rarely is it ever accomplish because we are all human, we all mistakes and we all do really stupid things at times and sometimes when those things happen it can serious damage or destroy the friendship and then it is twice as hard to carry on with the friendship to open yourself up again. What is needed for true friendships to form is primarily understanding and empathy, which is basically the ability to recognize that someone has made a mistake and that it could be something that they never meant to be or it might have consequences that they never intended it to have. Now this is not minimizing a problem, or pretending that it didn't effect you or that they weren't in the wrong for doing it but it is accepting that and being able to try to and see why it did happen. The second thing that is needed for true friendships to form is forgiveness, which is tied into understanding and empathy as without them forgiveness is not really possible. Again forgiveness isn't minimizing a problem and it isn't pretending that it didn't effect you and it isn't saying that what happened wasn't wrong when it was. Forgiveness is an act of will not a feeling or an emotion or anything like that. And often it is one of the hardest things to do, usually people (I know I have done this many times) will say they forgive someone because they should or they feel bad but that isn't really forgiveness, forgiveness is accepting that it does hurt, that they were in the wrong but still deciding to no longer hold them accountable for it. This too I believe is fairly rare as often people (again I know I have done this way too many times) say that they have forgiven someone for something and so then try to pretend and act like it was nothing when inside they haven't forgiven them and instead it starts to build bitterness towards that person. So I guess what I am trying to say is that although friendship does hold risks that have real consequences and indeed are alot of work, they are also one of the very things that make life liveable and enjoyable. And if we are willing to put the effort in and risk ourselves being hurt we will gain something beyond compare. I hope that what I have written is understandable as I know I am not much of a writer and I have a hard time expressing what I want to say especially regarding things like this but I hope that it will help us all, myself included, to try to be a bit more understanding and to be honest with ourselves when it comes to our friends as we all need them and we can never have too many of them. All the best until next time.

One thing I forgot to mention is that I am sure that many people will wonder why I didn't just use the persons name in my apology and the answer to that is that in many respects it is something that is really between me and that person and I am sure that if they ever read it they will be able to figure it out, and probably a few other people will be able to but the majority of people that look at it won't really have any idea which is good as it isn't meant to point fingers at people or to put anyone on the spot which would be the case if I had used the persons name.

Hey all, Yes I know it has been quite awhile since I have added anything to this Blog so I figured I would try to get off my butt and actually do something with it. The odd thing about is that now that I am actually working on it I seem to have many different competing ideas about what exactly should make up this post so you'll have to forgive me if this post seems a little fragmented. I think that the thing that seems to be pressing for me to write about at the moment is I guess a regret that I have at the moment that I have been carrying around with me more or less since the last time that I visited Redeemer. There is someone there that to be completely honest I have no idea what to call them as I certainly don't think that they would fall into the category of "Friends" although at one point they certainly would have but there has been a break in that friendship and so I do not think they can be called a friend at the moment. They certainly are not a stranger nor would I hope an enemy an aquiantence maybe? I don't know but it is largely irrelevant to what I am getting at. I feel bad in manys ways for the way that I have treated this person, although there is nothing that can be done now but still looking back on it I wonder if things would have turned out differently had I been wiser. I know this seems rather awkwardly worded but I am having trouble figuring out exactly how to phrase what I am feeling. Ever since this break in friendship I have myself been quite cold to this person and although I know some of my friends would say that I have reason to have been but still in hindsight I regret it for in many ways I can see similarities between myself and this person and so if I am right have some idea of the harm that that kind of snubbing would cause. So basically what this is a sad attempt at an apology to this person although I sincerely doubt they will ever read this or hear of it, although in many ways that is not the importance of it it is something that I need to just get out of my system as it were. However if this person ever does read this and recognize it for what it is, then let me say one more thing that if you can accept my apology then I would be happy to try to renew the friendship that is broken. I do not in any way expect this to happen but I figured I would state it in the small chance that this person ever reads it. Anyway that is what I have to say and although in the grand scheme of things will probably amount to nothing but if you never try nothing ever changes. Anyway I must now go as I need to get ready for Meeting at my church but I will try to update this blog more frequently then I have in the past while. Till then

I know I am certainly not perfect but I do think that overall I have become a fairly easy going person, although this certainly has not been the case for most of my life only in truth I think the last few months in actuality. But there are two things that really really irk me and tend to get me upset and they are: 1) Truly Arrogant People and 2) People that are false. Those are two character traits that really really bother me. But since my understanding of what I mean by these two things at the moment is probably fairly different then that of you who are reading this (if anyone is actually reading this, oh well if not it at least gives me a forum to vent). First of all, Truly Arrogant People, now by this I do not mean people that are very confident or even overconfident as Confidence is much different then Arrogance. again by this I don't mean people that are in a sense joking arrogant (as I have a fair number of friends that fall into this category) and so kinda puff themselves up and have a tendencity to try to strut around whenever they can. What I really mean is people who are totally and completely convinced of their own superiority and totally think that are better then others. This is one of the things I cannot stand, nothing gives anyone the right to put themselves above others. I don't really know why this bothers me so much but it just does, maybe because for a number of years I had people like that putting me down, and although it has shaped who I have become and strengthen me I can't help but wonder what I would have become if I hadn't been so pushed down when I was younger. As for the second, People who are false, this in some ways is worse then the other as it is usually attacking in the worse way possible an attack on the heart of a person as usually this is in the form of a false friendship or false relationship and it is those things that are the ones that can also leave permanent scars. But before I continue on why this so bothers me I should define exactly what I mean by someone who is false. I would consider someone to be false if they say or commit to one thing or one idea yet in practice they do not do it or indeed actually do the opposite or do it only very selectively with only those people that they want to and then treat others the opposite. The things about these that truly annoys me is that as I said above this usually takes the form of a false friendship, Which as I said above I believe to be an attack on a persons heart which is the cruelest thing a person can do. Someone who claims to be someones friend and goes on about how they are a good person and a good friend while all the time they really don't care about the person and then when it becomes inconvient they just drop them as a friend and then continually give them the cold shoulder, this can in many ways destroy a person or aid in destroy a person I have seen it happen and it is sad. The true upshot of it is usually the people that act this way have their friends talking behind thier backs and attacking them when they don't know it and usually the only people that see it are either those involved in it or those that they have shut out of their lives so they can't help them even if they wanted to. I have seen this sorry situation happen before my eyes and I have been one of those that have been shut out and see the backstabbing that can occur and I could do nothing about it as even if I were to mention to them I would be laughed at and it would be dismissed and would only make them more upset at me for trying to help them. So there you have it. I am sorry that this post has been such a negative one I will try to balance it with something equally uplifting as no matter how many rotten people there are in the world there will always be those that shine so brightly above the rest in the lives of their friends lives usually unaware of their impact. I just needed to get this off my chest as it were partly in an attempt to bury the bitterness of that snubbing I described. Till then I hope that none of you reading this are of the fake or arrogant types as in the end it will only hurt you.

I really hate Snow, in fact I pretty much just don't like winter at all, sure there are a few things that can be fun like tobbaggening and Snow Fights but I rarely actually end up doing these things. Which pretty much just leaves the coldness, the snow and the ice. Especially now that I have finally gotten my G2 and can drive myself places, but now I stuck with a ton of snow and ice which means besides having to clean off my car everytime I want to go anywhere and since I am still getting used to driving on my own the feeling that my car is trying to learn how to figure skate while I am trying to get somewhere is hardly comforting. I am longingly awaiting spring and the end of the dominance of the awful snow. But I guess it is the time for it and there is nothing to be done now but bare with it, although it means that things should be good for when my College and Careers group goes up to Blue Mountain this weekend for some to go skiing. Last year even though I don't ski me and my friend Lisa spent a good hour or two trying to rent snowshoes and even though I think we asked just about everyone in the area we got just about a different answer from everyone and end up not finding them at all, oh well it was still fun. Well that is all for my rant against snow for now. All the best and hopefully this is the last of the white stuff we see for awhile

Well I still have no idea how this will turn out but I think I have a better idea of what I want to do with this, I think I shall use this for any of the random thoughts and ideas that come to me and use this a a forum to air and consolidate my thoughts or ideas, but as all things we shall have to wait and see how things work out. That is all for now.