Tuesday, April 02, 2013

My Weekend

I am going to apologize here as this is not going to be a happy blog but I think I need to put this down somewhere even if only to get it out of my head & perhaps looking at it at a later point maybe it can help me figure things out or at least hopefully keep me from making the same mistakes twice.

Looking back now this weekend I think has been one of the worst I've had in awhile even if for the most part nothing much really happened.  However I realized that in many ways I have not come anywhere near as far as I had thought I had come in terms of learning to deal with my depression & self esteem issues.  Even though I have a number of people I would consider friends online and some even good friends my interactions with them tend to still be quite sporadic and so therefore quite easy to manage and seeing as at this point I don't have any friends that I see offline on any kind of consistent or regular basis (I might see them once every 4 - 6 months or so something not even then) I think what I thought was progress was really just having been able to remove the issue from my life.  Well lately that had kinda changed as I gotten to know someone fairly well to the point of talking to them pretty much daily and everything seemed to be going well till this weekend which as I have mentioned this weekend I don't really know what it is but I've just really been more depressed then usual and looking back at it now quite lonely as well and without realizing it I had slipped back into a very bad habit of trying to really hold on tight to a friend in fear that I'd lose them for no real reason mostly just out of feeling worthless and paranoid and in doing that I tend to start to smother them without really even realizing it at first and soon all my 'concerns' about them really become almost selfish attempts to make or maintain a connection.  This of course puts the other person in a horrible, uncomfortable and completely unfair position (which is what lead to my earlier post).  Unfortunately my other usual response once I've realized what I've actually been doing is a kind of passive aggressive (as when in that state I avoid confrontation like the plague as I am convinced that I just destroyed that friendship and don't want them to confirm it) ignore/avoidance of the person I wronged.  Well eventually the person I had wronged reached out to me and we were able to set things back on the right course thankfully, although I still feel absolutely terrible about the whole thing.  It did make me stop and look back and try to figure out what happened to cause this to happen after I had been doing so well for so long (or so I thought) which is what lead to the writing of this blog as I realized that it wasn't something I had ever really dealt with I merely had avoided anything that might have caused it for awhile (that being a fairly close relationship with regular interaction) and so now I have to either seriously try to work on actually confronting it instead of merely avoiding it till it's no longer an issue (due to have no frequent close relationships) or continue on with my life without ever letting anyone get close to me again or at least not too close or too often.  I will admit there is a part of me that feels like I should just stop trying as all I seem to do when I try is to hurt others and/or hurt myself, the hedgehog's dilemma I've heard it called as the closer two hedgehog's try to get to each other the more they hurt one another with their spines.  I've mentioned before that I have never had a girlfriend before infact have never even gone out on a date and this experience has made me glad of that as I think if that had ever happened it wouldn't have ended well at all, but it does reaffirm the fact that I am not really meant to be in any kind of intimate relationship with anyone which is something I have come to terms with but still does hurt at times.  It has also made me take a hard look at my motivations and intentions in regards to any of the encouragement and support I try to provide to people and when things like this happen it certainly sets the doubt creeping back in "Are you really doing this for them?" "Do you really want them to feel better or are you just doing this to try to get their attention?" In many ways it just makes me feel hollow inside and lonelier then ever.  I definitely think I have to at least admit to myself I am a lot more lonely then I thought I was and that if I keep trying to ignore it or suppress it it's going to find a way to come back and bite me in the butt just like it did this weekend.  I don't really know how I am going to deal with it but they said that admitting something is a problem is the first step to finding a solution for it so at least I've gotten that far.  What I do know now is that I have to be a lot more vigilant and aware of how I am feeling and making sure I am not letting how I am feeling dictate how I act or react.  Sorry for how long and negative this post has been but I think at this point I just need to get it out of my head so that I can hopefully sleep tonight without it just bouncing around up there keeping me awake.