Sunday, January 06, 2013

A New Year

Well it's been awhile since I have added anything here that's been partly due to the fact that for the most part not a whole lot tends to happen with me these days and partly due to the fact that I've been more on the down side of things the past while and when I get like that I generally just feel like hiding away in some corner and definitely sharing a little as I can even though I know that is worse thing I can do in that situation.  I had thought of writing up a blog a few times when I hadn't been feeling too bad but that was around the holidays and I really didn't want to post anything that might be a downer around then and  I also was kinda hoping that something good would happen if I waited so that I could at least try to add positivity to my entry.  Since even though I want to be honest on here I definitely don't want it to just become a big pit of negativity as that helps no one.  So even though I have had some dark times lately I do also have some good news which I am very excited about so here I sit to finally write up a new blog entry.

As you know from my earlier posts I have been struggling with my issues for quite a long time and there were times when I'd regularly fall into some pretty bleak dark moods.  Thankfully I have been able to try to minimize those in the past year or so with help from friends online and just through personal exploration and discovery or who I am and what exactly are my problems.  Which is why I think this depressed mood I've had since before the holidays has just really had an effect on me even though it's thankfully nowhere near as bad as some in the past have been it's still been the worst in awhile.  I know a lot of people tend to have problems over the holidays although somewhat ironically for me the holidays were actually some of the best parts as I celebrated them pretty quietly with my family which suited me perfectly this year and I enjoyed them.  I think the thing that really worried me and really prompted me to finally sit down and write this up was a few days ago I just went into a pretty down and depressed state and I just couldn't shake it I found myself more down on myself then I had been in quite some time and it ended up really throwing off my sleeping schedule (which usually isn't great at the best of times).  I don't really know how to describe it except being caught in almost a storm of thoughts about how worthless I am, how I am of no use to anyone, how I don't deserve friends, how if I am going to do anything with people I better make sure they get something out of it for having to deal with me (As an aside this is a good example of how when I get down on myself I tend to twist things I legitimately enjoy in my mind to make them negatives, in this case the fact that I enjoy going out for lunch/dinner with a friend and paying for their meal).  I know this may not sound that bad as everyone has insecurities at times, but when it is more like you are in the middle of a crowd at a concert only instead of music all you can hear is everyone shouting these things at you and you can't refute them as they are somehow at the same time you and it just doesn't end and you can't get a break.  I know it doesn't really make much sense but that is the best I can do to explain it.

Thankfully I've been starting to feel better so I am hoping I can try to shake off most of this funk altogether.  Now that is enough about the dark and gloomy let's get to the good news! :D I am going to be taking a trip with my family down to LA from the 19th of January till the 26th of January.  There are a number of reasons why I am really looking forward to this trip first of all it is freezing and very snowy up here & it will be warmer & non-snowy down there :) second of all I have never been to the west coast of the states before, been on trips down the east coast a few times but never the west coast so it should be interesting, but finally and most especially as I am going to be meeting up with at least two friends who I met and got to know online but now will get to meet them in person and hang out with them a bit which I can only imagine is going to be pretty awesome!

So while 2012 ended on a bit of a down note and a little bit of a rocky start I think this trip is going to get the year off to an amazing start as there are quite a few things I am looking forward to in 2013 most of which are actually movies which is kinda odd for me as I am much more a TV person then a movie person but they all either have actors that I really love in them (such as Felicia Day, Amanda Tapping, Robin Dunne, etc) or have people I've come to know in them or are making them (or both) such as in the case of The Concessionaires Must Die, Sass X Acceleration & Quantum Theory.  So it is a new year and hopefully the start of a new chapter in my life so I am going to do my best to try to be as optimistic as I can about it!

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